Angry Young Man
You cannot be successful without being aggressive. You have to go after it with tenacity and passion. The opposite of which is being passive. Success will not drop in your lap.
Despite this, boys, and then men, are never taught how to use their aggressiveness. We are rarely taught how to label our emotions and while getting angry is as normal as breathing, men get mixed messages about it. This leads to confusion and for most men, not knowing when to hit the gas and when to brake.
Further, while girls are socialized to maximize their emotional intelligence, and this often leads to greater social navigation, boys are usually expected to be destructive and violent. That is not to say that roughhousing for boys is bad. In fact, research shows that it is critical for brain development. However, boys are never told it is okay to be angry, especially when you are frustrated by things that happened that you don’t like. Anger isn’t the problem.
The problem is how much anger are you experiencing and how long do you want to stay pissed? If your anger is too high, you will likely respond with reactive aggression, which has the goal of retaliating and hurting someone. But, at moderate levels, anger can make you faster, stronger, increase your stamina, and minimize your perception of pain. Anger can help performance!
Once we normalize anger, people can then befriend it and harness it, using it to get what you want. When someone doubts you and tells you that you are not good enough, or you can’t do something, few things are more powerful motivators than, “Oh yeah, f*ck you, watch me!”
This is particularly important because men have become somewhat fragile. Very sensitive to criticism and feeling like any challenge is a mortal, psychological wound. The toughest guy in prison doesn’t have to fight. Real power is when you choose to not be provoked. The most dangerous person is the one who is calm, calculating, and strategically influencing the room. Screaming is often a sign of desperation. When your tendency is to get louder, do the opposite. Compose yourself and develop your plan.
"Once we normalize anger, people can then befriend it and harness it, using it to get what you want... Real power is when you choose to not be provoked. The most dangerous person is the one who is calm, calculating, and strategically influencing the room. "
Let me also say that the emotionally intelligent man has significant advantages over the impulsive brute. They have more rewarding and mutually beneficial relationships. People are more likely to want to be in the room with you and want to be part of your team. They are in a better position to build loyalty, one of the most valuable commodities on earth. And, they can influence and lead with vision. By building alliances, they don’t have to constantly worry about who is trying to subvert them. They can build teams that focus on the premise, “When I eat, we all eat.”
That is not to say that there is not a time and place for the stoic male. If you are storming the beaches of Normandy, you are not looking for someone to throw compassion and empathy around. You are looking for people who will get shit done and are willing to roll up their sleeves when the job calls for it.
Maturity is knowing when you can get away with being immature. There is a time and place for fun and games, and there is a time and a place to be serious. Powerful men can live on the continuum from sensitivity to stoicism, if they have the courage and guidance to do so.
There are a lot of angry young men. And as Billy Joel once cautioned, if a man doesn’t learn how to work this dynamic, “he'll go to the grave as an angry old man.”